Learning as I go: A Parent who does NOT Believe in Perfection

Just because both parents are saved, doesnt mean the children are/were raised in a Christian home.

I have been thinking about this one long and hard. If the children are/were raised in a Christian home, born and bred, what kind of home was it? Until recently Baptists all over the US bought long and hard into legalism, fear based Christianity. Like the Amish, a set of unwritten or exaggerated rules a child must live by in order to not make God angry and from God to your parents who always punished "The Bible way" you know, spare the rod spoil the child. Or, your parents would guilt you and pressure you into obedience.
I have found from observation, research, many conversations that a staggering amount of Millennials, later Gen Xers and even early Gen Z'rs have left the church entirely because they learned, on their own, that kind of Christianity is false doctrine so they throw the baby out with the bathwater and give up on God entirely.
Yes, there are things that as Christians, we shouldn't do, however doing those things isn't going to send you to hell and shouldn't send you to the eternal wrath of the church. If you do something stupid as a teenager it should not affect how people treat you in your 20s-30s-40s, if the Police has a statute of limitations you would think the church could too and it shouldn't be 7yrs.
.

Back to the OG thought. Since I don't know anyone else's mental health because Baptists just don't go there or they are all flawless, one or the other. I will use my family as an example. I am not angry at anyone but fighting legalism in Baptist churches is a hill I will die on and if you know what I have endured these last 17 years, you will completely understand.

Zach and I grew up in an IFB church, we are not angry over this, there is no animosity, no hatred, nothing of the sort. In fact, being raised in that strict environment did save us from some things, it did have its good side. My parents are not bad people, they did the best they could with who they had for a daughter. They were promised, spoken or understood I don't know, that if they abide by certain "scriptural rules" that not only would I be saved and baptized but I would go on to marry well and live happily ever after. No trials, no tribulations, smooth sailing. There are even songs that promote that ideal. Again, I am not angry at my parents, the pastor, anyone, it was a common belief in the 80s-early 00s preached by men like Jack Hyles and Peter Ruckman, Johnny Pope etc.. of "famous preachers"
The older we got we started to question whether or not these things were scripture and whether or not they were in context. Were we just buying into what our elders told us was true? I had results from doing things the IFB way, I was incredibly well versed in Scripture, entire chapters of the Bible, trivia, sword drills, theology, apologetics, by the time I was 11 I could talk a Mormon missionary out of his religion and I did, more than once. They stopped knocking on our door after a while. Same with JWs. I was ruthless and I love it. I loved a good theological debate. My parents did not watch "bad movies" or read "bad books" or listen to particularly bad music. Far as they knew I was a semi well behaved little Christian homeschooler. I hated being homeschooled, hated it with a passion. My world was so small and I wanted to be around other kids my age. I had a few friends, older and younger but not anyone who could match me in conversation. Some talked down to me, some talked up to me, most just thought I was a stupid girl and girls cant preach or girls cant know anything about Bible, at least, not as much as a boy can or does. Girls are just supposed to stay quiet, cook and clean and take care of kids and animals, that's what girls did. Finding someone in my circle who could debate me was impossible. Then, all I knew was the Baptists way. I didn't learn much about any other religion until I moved to Alabama in my 20s. Zach's first real experience with another religion was in Alabama, he met a family who took him to a Pentecostal church. He was culture shocked to say the least.
Kids raised in a "Christian home" tend to have blind faith, not the kind in Christ but the kind that, they don't know any different. They aren't choosing Salvation, they are raised to Salvation and when they get out on their own and have experiences, they tend to fall away into another gospel whether the worlds or religions. How is this any different than what we accuse the LBGT-XYZ people of doing? Its not, you are forcing someone, by proximity to agree with you. Only with Baptists, if they don't agree with you, you shut them out, label them as "toxic" or "contradictory" or you "mark them" according to Scripture and avoid them (this passage was often taken out of context and used as "church discipline" in the IFB era).
I understand that I just backed myself into a corner because I think its good to be raised in a truly Christian home. However, a truly Christian home is a strict place, no TV, no music other than certain kinds, no going to certain places, no this, no that, do this, do that, don't read this, only read that etc....Zach and I tried this method, we wanted our kids to be safe, to find the worlds ways weird but then, that ideal came crashing down in 2 days with 2 events that nearly destroyed us and indeed broke us. We decided then and there that for our kids, its better for them to know their enemy. We have taught our kids the worlds ways, how they think, what they do. We didn't know that Zach would get sick, that Gideon would develop AuDHD, that Eddie would struggle with ADHD. We thought, because we were promised that if we did everything right, our kids would turn out well but instead the house of cards we built is still falling after 16 years.
Get this straight, you can raise your kids in a Christian home and still not see them saved as kids. When my kids do get saved, people are going to know it, there will be a visible change, it will be a night and day experience. Gods word doesn't return void, as long as the Word is in the home, the kids will come back to God.

Unless you are following all of those out of context over exaggerated rules can you really say you are raising your kids in a Christian Home? Also consider that a Christian home has a father (or father figure) and a mother (or mother figure) and everyone is present, no one is distracted by devices or the cares of the world. The focus is on the family.

I actually envy people who have that. People who have never experienced a "big 'T'" trauma. Families who have a dad who is right with God all the time, who loves his kids, spends time with them after work, does activities with them, teaches them, does devotions with them. I envy that, I wish my kids kids had that, especially my older boys. Instead they got PTSD and a lot of misery that went with it and absolutely no support except for a mother who fought for them and continues to do so every day. I am not mad at my husband, not at all. He taught me how to get through what I can't get over. I am strong because of him, I am wise because of him, he taught me what battles are worth fighting and what battles to leave to God. I have fought long and hard these 16 years, I am battle scarred, exhausted, done with this life, if God wanted to take me today, I wouldn't fight, I would go willingly and eagerly. I have taught my boys everything I want them to know, I have shown them with my life how to give God honor and glory in the trials, what the Christian life is without all the rules and with liberty. Now, I am waiting on God to get a hold of them, waiting for them to let go and let God. Every parent gets to that place. Parents of young people, you will get to that place. Your kids may make a profession young but they won't truly understand till they are old.. Don't rely on a profession to equal salvation.

Learning as I go: Radical School Ideas

 

   An interesting post landed on my Facebook feed about how teachers are expected to meet the needs of every child individually when every child has different educational needs. Its stressful on the teacher, naturally! 

As a parent with children in the public school system I have some thoughts, strong thoughts that not everyone agrees with.

I read an article in the local newspaper this morning about how our county wants to raise property tax 3% over our States allotted tax cap for a total of an 8% tax hike. They sighted community events as the reason for the need for the tax hike. Community events that were not around a decade ago. We live in a State with a pretty low tax bracket, we don't have very high taxes and that is a good thing. Low taxes help make it possible for younger people and people with less than stellar credit to buy a house, own property. We don't have fancy, big city amenities but we are comfortable with what we do have like nice roads and good drainage etc...I told my husband not long ago that when we lose our house, it won't be because we can't afford the mortgage, we will be taxed out. 

Here is my radical thoughts, go with me, have an open mind here:

Keep the cap on property taxes: That money is supposed to go towards schools, the fire station,  our one or maybe 2 little Libraries, snow removal, town roads and the parks. Google says that the taxes also go towards water resources but if thats the case than why is my water/garbage bill so crazy! Raising the property taxes won't do anything different, it will just give raises to people who make more than anyone else in the county already because they work for the government.

Put parents in the classrooms to alleviate the pressure on the teachers: Teachers are expected to teach up to 30 students at a time (our county is less than 30, a lot less) and all of these students are different. Different learners, different needs, different reading levels etc...Kids are not cookie cutter automatons, they are all different. We should encourage their differences by creating an educational environment where each child can thrive. I understand that most households have 2 working parents (thats a priority issue in our federal government) but those households who have a stay home paernt or those who are newly retired can help lighten the teachers load by sitting with a student or 3 and helping them individually on a rotating volunteer bases. Small groups, 1 lead teacher and some adult volunteers. Not only that but take education out of the classroom setting or gear the schools toward more active education, learning on their feet while moving. Hands on, get messy, make mistakes. Teach them practical things they NEED to know. Does a student need to know algebra, calculus, Physics on a high school level? Probably not, those who want to can do online college courses. Kids do need to know how to do taxes, how to buy and sell, add, subtract, multiply, divide, fractions, decimals, percent, practical math for every day use. They need to know how to create a proper sentence, the rules of grammar, how to use phonics to read. If schools brought phonics into the classroom kids wouldn't be stopping mid sentence in a speech in front of most of the school to say, "I don't know that word" before moving on. Science can be learned hands on and History can be costumes and stories. Teach them how to do things that are practical to where they live. We might have less ATV deaths and injuries, fewer farming accidents, more sheds and out buildings, more mechanics and machinists, bee keepers, more younger ranchers and farmers etc..if these kids who aren't from those families already could learn those trades from those families this State will become an economic powerhouse. Make it fun! Parent volunteers can help. Also a small tuition. Take Japan for example, the kids pay a small monthly tuition that covers the cost of supplies. Its small because its averaged out per student. A trustworthy parent volunteer can be put in charge of the treasury, teacher creates a list of needed supplies and parent volunteer team gets together and goes to purchase from Amazon, Target, Wallymart. Teachers can also put a supply list on Amazon for parents. Teach kids how to clean their own school. Each class cleans its own class room, middle and highschoolers split up those classrooms they use and bathrooms, they write what they did in a diary at the end of it, take turns then once a month they can all get together and have a cleaning party where they do the hallways, gyms and lockers. If everyone participates or most of everyone then the work goes fast and you wont need to pay for a janitor. Idealism right. Make it easier to become a volunteer, make it more inviting, something new parents to town want to do. 

We live in such a decadent Nation. Everyone takes, very few give. We need to change the culture on the State level. Teach our kids to be others minded instead of self involved. If we teach them to think about not just the feelings of others but the comfort of others as well, they will in turn feel good and be comforted. Less need for mental health diagnoses. Teach them town pride, taking care of something, being responsible for a job teaches them to take pride in work, gives them a worth ethic.

Learning as I go

Learning as I go-1

  I went outside to clean up our 4th of July garage party this morning, just in case I have to park the cars inside. We have a decent sized trash can for the garage and I made the mistake of using a yard debris bag instead of a regular trash bag in it then I filled it full of garage sale garbage. Heavy stuff. A yard debris bag is thinner than a garbage bag so I had to transfer all the garbage to the garbage bag. Like a normal person I secured the new bag onto the corners of the can and proceeded to tip the can over so all the trach falls into the new bag and it worked, so very well! I was shocked. Usually one corner pops off and garbage goes everywhere. So I am guiding the larger items into the new bag when quite suddenly I found myself on the concrete driveway. I didn't realize I was falling until my knees hit the driveway. My "bad" knee is a little worse for the wear and my palms hurt a little but I will live. Is that how elderly people fall? You just don't notice until the sudden pain. The beauty of being short is that I don't have far to fall.

Something cool I have noticed is that the closer I am to the Lord, the better my personal walk wit Him, the less likely I am to irrationally react to a situation. By nature I am not a panicky person, anyone that remembers the events with the twins at the lake when they were babies knows I don't panic. I stay so calm that my husband mistakes my calmness for apathy. I hear him say, "You should care about this!" all the time. What is my panic going to accomplish? Rule one of parenting and caregiving is, " If you make a big deal, they will make a big deal" If they fall and you freak out, they will learn that crying or falling gets bonus attention. Cute when kids are toddlers, not so much when they are preteens. Thing is, I do care, I care a lot, its just that in my soul I know that no matter what happens in this neighborhood, in this town, in this city, State, Country, continent, world GOD IS STILL ON THE THRONE and as long as He is, there is nothing that can touch me. Sure, I can fall but I will get back up. I can die in some horrible car accident but I will get back up in eternity.
There is no "ifs" with God, there is no, "I don't knows" with God, There is no, " I am not good enough" with God, He doesn't care about our goodness. Our goodness gets us to heaven about as well as blinker fluid makes the turn signals in a car work. Our righteousness is as filthy rags and you know what happens to filthy rags? They catch fire, burn up. Good works, bad works, all of it burns. The only things that last are what we do for God here on earth, the souls that we share the gospel with, thats it. Souls are eternal, they are the ONLY things that are eternal. Your spirit will die, your flesh will die, everything dies but the soul lasts. Wanna know why an elderly person with severe dementia can play the piano like Mozart from memory? Because music is not in the flesh, music is eternal, its in the soul. God created music so man can praise Him for eternity.

The original thought, I rabbit trailed, was about irrational thinking. The closer my walk with the Lord the less likely I am to use language unbecoming of a Christian. The less likely I am to go to places unbecoming of a Christian. The less likely I am going to seek out company unbecoming of a Christian and the more likely I am to make posts that give God honor and glory rather than rant and rave about my problems. I am an over transparent person, its a trauma coping strategy. Its not people pleasing, it looks like people pleasing but its a trauma response.
At first, I wanted people to understand my view, my trauma, I cried for help on social media, begged people for support they did not want to or could not provide. My world became so small.
It took a stroke to make me see that I was being irrational. I was reading my Bible, I was praying, I was at least live streaming church, working a full time job, giving literally everything I had every shift on that job, being everything to everyone, I cared for my house, fed my family, I was a good wife, a good mother, a good coworker, a good employee, on the outside, I looked good, my righteousness was getting me places, so I thought. Why was God allowing all this never ending trauma in my life, it did not seem fair or just. I felt like I was missing the train every day, standing on the platform just watching it go by and never getting on.
Inside I was angry. Trauma was eating me alive. A tiny feather set me off. It took one person, one death, to blow my top. It was a significant death, someone I thought had already been dead 30 years and I had buried deep in the recesses of my mind. One phone call, one question, one irrational over reaction. My top blew like Mt. St. Helens. Manic high, I went to work so high, flying like a free spirited eagle in the air, I was so manically happy over this mans death. No one questioned it, no one asked me anything. When someone is that visibly happy, that naturally high, there is usually something going on underneath. Manic high is a rush of the same chemicals you get from being drug induced high. All those happy "N" chemicals.
What always follows a manic high like that is an even deeper, manic low. Like the Mariana Trench of lows. The pressure is 16,000 pounds per square inch. You feel it in your ears, eyes, head, everything hurts. It feels like your head is about to implode physically and mentally. This is where people commit suicide, the pressure is intense. Manic high usually last a few hours, I can get through 3/4 of a work shift in a manic high but a manic low hits hard and fast and makes you sick right away. The bottom drops out.
I stroked out sitting at my dining room table. I wasn't doing anything, just sitting there playing with a crumb with my back to Zach who was sitting right where I am now, nearly a straight view to the table. I was in a manic low. My head was pounding, my heart was throbbing, the pain was searing like someone had ran a blade through my ear and out the top of my skull. I fell over, passed out onto the chair next to the one I was sitting in and no one in my house noticed. It became a day of no one caring, one person cared but she was it, she's the one that said that it looked like I was having a stroke. No one called 911, no one rushed me to anywhere.
I was angry, at first, then I was sad, no one cared. I still get overwhelmed sometimes by the sadness, I try not to dwell on it. Apparently God cared because I am still here and I have most of my mental and physical straignth back with some lasting reminders. I am a lot slower now physically and mentally, my eyes are droopy, I have Lymphedema in my legs and above my eyes, my eyes aged 30 years according to Dr. Woodmansee whom I see biyearly.
At first I was angry at everyone who saw me that day, everyone who wasn't paying attention, I could have acted very irrationally and I would have been justified in the anger. However, there is no point. What's done is done, what happened to me I pray is a lesson to everyone who was involved. Young people can have strokes.

It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman, we all have emotions. We all have the ability to over react, to be irrational, make snap judgements but as a Christian, as someone who professes to be born again, blood bought, Bible believing, we are not justified in our overreactions.